


Survivor’s Guilt

by Malec_Lover23



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Has Feelings, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Alec Lightwood has Nightmares, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comforting Magnus Bane, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, Lightwood Siblings, M/M, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Fluff, Protective Alec Lightwood, Protective Magnus Bane, Sad Alec Lightwood, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:14:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25985704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malec_Lover23/pseuds/Malec_Lover23
Summary: Just because emotional hurt/comfort is me projecting my own needs on characters 😂Alec internalizes his fear of watching Max go out for patrols and training and it all comes out one night after a nightmareAlso no one is dead in this or dies in this I just randomly came up with the title and figured it worked
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Max Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 2
Kudos: 95
Collections: Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020





	Survivor’s Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos comments and subscriptions make me incredibly happy so leave them if you’d like :)
> 
> Find my chaotic self on tumblr Malec_Lover23

Alec wakes up trembling, hot tears running down his face. The golden silk sheets feel like a sheet of ice against his sweat-soaked skin. 

The image of Max falling to the ground as the demon claw tore through his chest will forever haunt Alec's mind, even though it was just a nightmare.

But the most agonizing thing is that it's a realistic image that happens to far too many Nephilim before they're even considered adults. 

Alec bites his lip so hard he tastes blood, trying to keep whimpers from bubbling into sobs. Magnus needs his sleep, they've been dealing with nightmares simultaneously for weeks. Magnus, because it was the anniversary of Ragnor's death, and Alec, because Max was just recently transferred to the New York Institute to begin training in the field. 

It pains Alec to sit in his office and complete paperwork while his little brother is out killing demons twice his size, demons that would even give Jace and Alec trouble. But that's what active Shadowhunters do, and even Alec can't delay the process. It's been eating at Alec ever since the initial transfer, and he can barely finish a meal without feeling sick or sleep without a heart-wrenching nightmare. 

But to no avail, his husband rolls over and curls closer to Alec, clearly half asleep, but then he senses Alec slowly unraveling beside him. 

"Alexander? 'S wrong?" He asks sleepily, lazily running a hand down Alec's arm. 

A sob erupts from Alec's mouth and then Magnus is awake, jumping up, magic humming beneath his palms, ready to protect, comfort, shield, heal. 

"Alec, what's going on? Are you alright?" Alec shakes his head.

"Magnus, I don't know what to do!" Alec manages to say in between heaving sobs. His heart is racing and pounding in his ears, hands shaking as they grip Magnus' arm. 

Magnus' grips Alec's shoulders, giving him the pressure he needs to pull himself out of his terror. "Alexander, it's okay. Darling, whatever it is. I promise it'll be okay. Was it a nightmare?" 

Alec makes a noise of confirmation, opening his eyes and coming face to face with concerned golden cat eyes that don't do much to quell the compelling fear running through him in waves. 

Warm hands softly pull Alec into an even warmer embrace and Alec exhales shakily against Magnus' chest, finally feeling oxygen placate his burning lungs. "I'm right here, Alexander. You're safe, we're all safe."

A hand sifts through messy black curls while the other rubs soothing circles on Alec's back. 

"What's troubling you, my darling? What's plaguing that pretty little head of yours?" 

Alec whispers, voice hoarse from crying. "It's Max."

"What about him?" Alec's eyes flutter shut from the constant motion of fingers running through his hair, but then tears burn Alec's eyes again, just thinking about how difficult it's going to be to say, even to Magnus.

"It's okay, take your time." Magnus says comfortingly, and then a cool washcloth is wiping the sweat and tears from his face. He subconsciously leans into the touch, knowing Magnus' hand is beneath the cloth, and soon fingertips are tracing along his jawline, soothing him even more than the cool cloth. 

This gives him the strength to finally voice the fear that has been tormenting him for weeks. "Max is training in the field now. Everyday, he's coming face to face with...monsters that want to kill him. I have to watch him leave everyday for patrol, and there's nothing I can do about it. I always wonder if that's the last time I'm going to see my baby brother." Alec's voice breaks and more tears leak from his eyes. 

Magnus' hand stills in his hair for a moment, but then he resumes the motion, with an even more gentling touch. 

"Darling, I know your jobs are dangerous, and hard, but I know that with you and your siblings watching out for him, Max is going to do everything in his power to come back to the Institute. I know you have such a protective nature, one that I wouldn't want to cross, and your inner circle is one you swear to protect above all else. You're passionate in your work and your love, and when you combine both of those things you have an amazing leader, and an even better big brother." 

"I would go on every mission for him." Alec says, sniffling from his place curled up against Magnus' chest.

"I know you would, love, but he needs the training and practice. You've taught him well. Did you see the way he pinned you the other day? And I thought I was the only one who could successfully do that!" 

Alec snorts, gratefully accepting the distraction, "If you need a reminder, you are the only one who can successfully do that. You walked in right when he pinned me. So, obviously, I was extremely distracted."

Magnus hums teasingly, "Okay, darling, whatever you say." 

Magnus pulls Alec away from him and he grumbles at the loss of comfort and warmth, but then Magnus' fingers brush his cheekbones, wiping away the remaining tears trailing down his face. And then even softer lips delicately brush against his cheeks, and Alec closes his eyes and rests his head against the hand cradling the back of his head. 

"I'm just so tired, Magnus. I'm so tired of watching people die under my watch, I'm so tired of seeing families get torn apart. I'm so tired of thinking that this may be the mission where one of my siblings don't come back home." Alec's lower lip quivers and he snivels, nuzzling into Magnus' neck.

"I know, but you're a great leader. When those things stop bothering you, that's when you've become too calloused to be one. You have a huge heart, darling, even to those who haven't been kind to you. And that's what makes you a good leader. There will always be losses, but how you deal with them is what really matters." Their bedroom is silent for a few minutes, and then Magnus sighs. 

"And about Max, I honestly can't reassure you that he won't get hurt. You know that. But when the nightmares hit, when you need someone to hold you as Max walks away, when you need someone to heal him or protect him, you always have me. I'm only a portal away, and you know I'll come running. If he were my brother, I would always be worried about him, but if he has half of the training and experience you have given him then I would just need to trust the process. Easier said than done, obviously." At some point, Magnus finds his hand back in Alec's hair, rubbing the small hairs at the nape of his neck between his thumb and forefinger. 

"And I could always give him some of my expertise training if he needs that as well," Magnus adds, pressing his cheek against Alec's head and squeezing him tight for a few seconds and then letting go, like his Nephilim secretly loves.

"I think that would be super fun, actually. Max adores you, just so you know." Alec runs his fingers along the seam of Magnus’ sweatpants, toying with the string hanging from it. 

"Oh, I already know that, darling. Who doesn't?"

Alec lifts his head and then two hazel eyes are staring at him. "No, seriously. He says that you are his favorite brother."

Magnus smiles at that and his heart swells. He does plan to show that information off, but right now he’s got an exhausted Nephilim laying in his arms, waiting for a response. 

“Nah, that's only because I'm not telling him what to do and where to go all day. You and Jace hold that title. As soon as I go in there and give him one assignment I'll be downgraded." Alec genuinely laughs at this, and Magnus relishes the sound, knowing his Angel was on the verge of a panic attack just minutes ago. 

Magnus leans down so they’re eye to eye. "Do you want to try and sleep some more? Or do you want to go have tea?"

"No...no we should sleep. I-I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize for needing comfort. We all need help sometimes, you just have to be strong enough to ask for it." Magnus pulls Alec back down so they're lying against golden pillow cases.

With a contented sigh, Alec melts against Magnus’ chest, clutching onto one of Magnus’ hands tightly. 

“Go to sleep, my love. I’ll watch over everyone tonight.” Magnus whispers into the silence, waiting until he hears Alec’s soft snores to let sleep find him as well.


End file.
